Ankles and Egos

Like many of the men that have made me hot in the past, my obsession with shoes is little different. The bad ones are the ones to which I am hopelessly drawn! Don’t get me wrong, I really do love my old brown leather dock shoes, and my flip flops (all 15 pair of them) are a staple in my wardrobe, but the ones that make my heart go pitter patter are the dangerous ones. Come on you know which ones I’m talking about. The ones that are just one tiny little inch higher than you are used to wearing, then next thing you know you’ve moved up another inch, until you are strutting your stuff in four inch ego wreckers.

Welcome to your new addiction. The world of high hells, oops, I meant high heels. Hell, high, heel, hurt, notice the similarities in these words? I love my heels. I love the way they make my legs look longer and my calves look less like tree trunks. When I’m wearing a pair of sexy heels I can hear the music in my head. Work, cover girl! Work it girl! Or sometimes the beat of I’m too sexy for my clothes, runs in an endless loop as I sway down the sidewalk, certain that my shoes are so seductive that people will turn to stare as I pass them by without a care in the world.

Recently I was walking down a sidewalk feeling very sexy in my stupidly high, black suede heels, feeling like a shorter version of Heidi Klum stomping down the runway. (I know! I look nothing like her but let me have my fantasy okay?) After I had stopped to speak with a friend, I turned to make my fabulous exit to my car. This is where it gets ugly, if you are easily frightened, turn back now, read no further, nightmares could ensue. I felt the ground shift under my right foot and unceremoniously tip me sideways. After almost regaining my balance, I felt the toe of my beautiful black heel hit a rouge parking curb. The earth must have moved slightly off of its axis because the next thing I know I am tumbling forward, hands extended with my shin skidding across the hideous concrete slab leaving behind bits of not so blissful DNA.

Resting on my hands and knees, I thought WWHD? Exactly! What Would Heidi Do? Well, I’m sure that Heidi has never found herself in a public parking lot with her leg bloodied, her palms scraped and praying that her skirt has not just flown up over her hips to reveal to the world that her shape is not due to hours a day at the gym, but to Spanx. If you own a pair of Spanx you can surely feel my pain at this moment. Let’s just say your tushie isn’t the only thing that would be exposed in this position! Quickly, I smiled a top model smile and pulled myself to my feet. I casually brushed off the gentleman who rushed to ask after my well being with a flip comment about having a clumsy day. Clumsy day? Who am I kidding? I was born with the natural ability to mimic a drunken camel.

Like the hot boyfriend that broke your heart more than once, I finally decided that I must end my relationship with this amazingly sexy pair of heels. Off to eBay land they went, where they could hurt me no more. But you have got to see the pair of silver heels with the cute black strap I just got to replace them! Hey, a girl can’t have too many shoes!